Friday, November 18, 2005

Mom, The Music Man--and More

So. It's been a while--but I've been busy, and so much has been happening. And quite frankly, I haven't felt much like writing. I quit an extremely punishing job, started a very challenging job...and in between, took off a little time to go and see Mom. It was so nice to spend some time with her--and Bill & Jack got to come down for a few days, too!

I took her in to UCLA for a "consultation" -- and I don't have a lot of good news to report. It looks like her MDS has progressed into Acute Myelogenous Leukemia, and this week, she's been experiencing shortness of breath, and little spots called called "leukemia cutis" -- places where leukemia cells sort of pool together right under the skin. They look sort of like a mole, or raised bruise. Smooth, but hard. So--it's moving outside of the bone marrow and the blood stream.

This week after her transfusion, instead of feeling great as she normally does, she felt incredibly weak and could hardly breathe. Phil even spent the night there on Thursday, just to keep an eye on her. A chest X-ray was taken on Thursday, but mom had not heard from the doctor about any results when I spoke with her today, so I don't know exactly what's going on.

When I tried calling her this morning, I was just short of full-on panic when she didn't answer. She called later, saying she was outside with Andy, who was washing her car. What a relief. I wonder if she heard it in my voice?

I'm at this place where I just can't stop crying. And while everyone who knows me knows how easily I tear-up, I'm really amazed at how poorly I'm handling all of this. I really thought that when it came to this point...to the possibility of having to say goodbye... that I'd be strong and ready and be an adult about it all. Sensible, you know? But I'm not any of those things. I feel small and weak. I'm not ready, not by any stretch of the imagination. And I cry at the drop of a hat.

I guess I really believed that I would be able to walk into this knowing that I came out of the experience of my dad's death fairly well.... Before he died, I kept thinking, "How will I walk? How will I breathe? How in the world will I even be able to function?" But God gave me this incredible strength. I greeted people at his service. I even gave the eulogy! I would have bet you a million dollars that I would have been falling apart, and would have never been able to do any of that. Like I feel right now. And I survived! But over and over in my head, I scream, I don't want to say goodbye. I am so not ready.

This is the woman who has driven me stark-raving crazy and yet means more to me than any other woman in my life. She has been there through everything. And there's been a lot! How do you say goodbye to someone who kissed you and made you feel better when you were sick, who put you through college....who helped you when you broke your leg and had your heart broken uncountable times? I won't be able to call her anymore when I have all those questions only your mom can answer. Who will I call now?

I guess the thing that scares me the most, and I mean scares me to the deepest parts of my soul, is: how do you live without parents? Nobody has known me longer, put up with more (although Bill's getting a LOT of experience in that department right now, yes??) or loved me like they have. I grieve my future without them. And my family's future. I feel like my life will be missing a color, my heart missing a huge piece of what made me "me".

Well, I didn't really mean to get into all of that here, but I just sort of poured out. Thanks for listening.

In the meantime...

Jack got his first "driving lesson" from Grandma, in the tradition of all the Abraham grandkids. Mom took him out on the golf cart in the grove, and he will never forget that. When she was done, Bill let him drive for a while, and he picked up a hitchhiker: Scooter! Note how they are both sticking their tongues out....

Here's Grandma, who made it through Jack's first spin around the grove. He managed to drive into just one tree.


And welcome to the latest role in the career of our budding thespian: he's a town kid in our church's incredibly elaborate production of The Music Man.
I don't think it's any coincidence that The Music Man is my mom's all-time favorite musical.